Fool in Love

Sometimes being a smart young woman with a very bright future is not enough. Reading a lot of books, being aware of politics is not enough. Waking up to the magnificent Eiffel Tower view in your kitchen, or the smell of coffee is not enough. All the attention you get from people, all those compliments are not enough. Being in front of cameras, feeling attractive is not enough. Your career plans, dreaming of having a house near the sea side with your children and pets, is not enough.

It is just not enough, when you are a fool in love.

You are okay, babygirl

I don't know how you can measure strength, or how you understand if a person is strong or not; but I know that I am quite strong myself. 

You know, seeing the person that's been stuck in your mind for a long time hurts, not seeing him, hurts too. Seeing but not even conversing, hurts. Looking into his eyes and experiencing the awkward moment when all those memories, flashbacks are passing through your mind hurts even more. Meeting him from time to time, touching his body with passion, but then acting like you don't give a single fuck hurts the most. 

Basically, you know you're messed up, you are drowning in your feelings, and it hurts.  

I wake up to this pain every single morning, I breathe, even though it's hard. I cry to my loneliness for a short while, then I stand up. I stand up, walk straight to the bathroom, clean the mascara left on my face from the night before, and I look in the mirror. At that exact moment, I just want the whole world to know that I am actually the illest motherfucker alive. I smile, blow a kiss at the mirror, and leave my house while singing some Amy Winehouse.

I might have a fucked up mind, but don't ever tell me that I am not strong. I am very strong and besides all the heart breaking and disappointing moments I've been having, my strength is the only thing that keeps me alive. And of course the dreams...

A tip to all the single ladies that are fed up being single in this world;

"You are okay, babygirl..."

-Ely.

Karma? Dilemma?

That awkward moment when you see that your ex boyfriend is happy, and you become happy that he is happy, because you have hurt him before. A lot. He cried for you, you broke his heart. And you felt guilty. Not only because you have hurt him, but also you have broken your promises. After 8 months, you see that he is in a relationship with a beautiful girl, holding hands, looking happy. Exactly what you have been needing for a long time. You smile, because you held his hands before, kissed him more than her probably; shared your house, your room, your heart, your soul, more than she did. You even get a little jealous; not because he is "taken" now, but that happiness is exactly what you need right now. You need your hands to be held as well, you need to feel that a man is thinking about you at the exact moment you are thinking about him. You want to be taken to the movie theaters, restaurants, you want to dance with him until you can't feel your legs, and make love until you can't feel like you're yourself anymore, because that's how close you get with him...

You smile, wake up from your dream because you know it is not going to happen for another period of time. Now let him be happy, as happy as he was with you before; all those years spent together, they weren't for nothing, you made him grow up. You did a good thing, Ely. Even though now you are the one who's stuck with useless, stupid men that only want you for your "flesh" and you fall for them because that is how lonely you are at the moment...

"If you find yourself struggling with loneliness, you are not alone. And yet you are alone, so very alone."

NYC. January, 2013.

Beautiful New York City, I will get back to you again..

"L’amour, pas pour moi

Tous ces “toujours”,

C’est pas net,

ça joue des tours,

Ca s’approche sans se montrer,

Comme un traître de velours,

Ca me blesse ou me lasse selon les jours

Pourquoi faire ce tas de plaisirs, de frissons, de caresses, de pauvres promesses?"

                                                                

-LOVE IS NOT MY THING ANYMORE, THAT IS FOR SURE.

    I have always thought that there was this one perfect person for everybody in the world, you know, and when you found that person the rest of the world kind of magically faded away, and, you know, the two of you would just be inside this kind of protective bubble, but there is no bubble, I mean if there is you have to make it, I just think life is more than a series of moments, and we can choose to protect the people we love, and that's what makes us who we are and those are the real memories...

The Joke is on ME.

I wish I could take a picture of where I am right now. But phone is dead, fucking smartphones, they're never there for you at the end of a long day; you know you can't trust them, but you still share the most important moments of your life with them. It's like being in love with an asshole. Well that's another deep subject that I don't wanna dig into. 

I have to pee. So bad. I just took the ferry to get my car back from a friend's house, looking like shit -but still attractive, I got this "smelling like sex and alcohol" shit going on me right now-, swollen lips, fluffy curly hair, no make up and with too many thoughts in my mind; I am attractive. Fuck my brain, I think too much.
Had one of the most horrible, disappointing nights ever. Too many drunk people acting all wild and stupid, too much vomit, lame music, dirty house, dirty people. I didn't even drink but I am hungover, and I really have to pee. I was just walking to the ferry station from Besiktas; -yeah with heels on-, and started crying. Like, sobbing. For nothing. Or everything. I've been thinking about my life for a long time; all the shit that I have been through, my travels, boyfriends, academic success (or failure), everything scares the shit out of me. I don't want to be here, this city doesn't want me either. I wanna go, move on.
I haven't been experiencing Istanbul as a "pedestrian" for a while, so I felt like a tourist walking by herself, paying attention to every little thing going on with people; a little boy feeding a wide group of pigeons, thirsty men checking on women, kids running around... I even had a very touchy time while a blind couple weas sitting next to me and they were literally "looking" at each other with love.. I noticed that love doesn't accept any excuses; either you're blind, deaf, stupid, ugly, too stupid, doesn't matter. If you want to love, if you have the courage to love, you just love. No excuses needed. 
But me, I was missing something that moment. Or someone... 

I looked outside the window and started thinking of him. It's not that I want or love him, it's what I could have with him. The hand written notes, secret smiles, inside-jokes, flower deliveries, afternoons spent lying in the park, vacations for two, nights filled with passion, others filled with serenity... 
I really miss being in a relationship, having that one person I can call or write to any time of the day and know that they are thinking of me also. I miss having a male best friend. Especially the man that I really wanted to have.. 
Don't get me wrong. I don't mind being single. I thrive on the freedom and lack of constraints. But there's always a night when, after hours spent warding away all the creeps who frequent the social scene, I crawl into bed and wish there was someone I could text to say good-night, I love you. 


After a 25 minute of thinking about all the possible things we could do, have, experience together; I stood up, put my feet back on the ground and walked away...

It was a good night though.

Words of Wisdom

At some point, you will realize that you've done too much for someone, that the only next possible step to do is to stop. Leave them alone. Walk away. It's not like you're giving up, and it's not like you shouldn't try it. It's just that you have to draw the line of determination from desperation. What is truly yours will eventually be yours, and what is not, no matter how hard you try, will never be.