I wish I could take a picture of where I am right now. But phone is dead, fucking smartphones, they're never there for you at the end of a long day; you know you can't trust them, but you still share the most important moments of your life with them. It's like being in love with an asshole. Well that's another deep subject that I don't wanna dig into.
I have to pee. So bad. I just took the ferry to get my car back from a friend's house, looking like shit -but still attractive, I got this "smelling like sex and alcohol" shit going on me right now-, swollen lips, fluffy curly hair, no make up and with too many thoughts in my mind; I am attractive. Fuck my brain, I think too much.
Had one of the most horrible, disappointing nights ever. Too many drunk people acting all wild and stupid, too much vomit, lame music, dirty house, dirty people. I didn't even drink but I am hungover, and I really have to pee. I was just walking to the ferry station from Besiktas; -yeah with heels on-, and started crying. Like, sobbing. For nothing. Or everything. I've been thinking about my life for a long time; all the shit that I have been through, my travels, boyfriends, academic success (or failure), everything scares the shit out of me. I don't want to be here, this city doesn't want me either. I wanna go, move on.
I haven't been experiencing Istanbul as a "pedestrian" for a while, so I felt like a tourist walking by herself, paying attention to every little thing going on with people; a little boy feeding a wide group of pigeons, thirsty men checking on women, kids running around... I even had a very touchy time while a blind couple weas sitting next to me and they were literally "looking" at each other with love.. I noticed that love doesn't accept any excuses; either you're blind, deaf, stupid, ugly, too stupid, doesn't matter. If you want to love, if you have the courage to love, you just love. No excuses needed.
But me, I was missing something that moment. Or someone...
I looked outside the window and started thinking of him. It's not that I want or love him, it's what I could have with him. The hand written notes, secret smiles, inside-jokes, flower deliveries, afternoons spent lying in the park, vacations for two, nights filled with passion, others filled with serenity...
I really miss being in a relationship, having that one person I can call or write to any time of the day and know that they are thinking of me also. I miss having a male best friend. Especially the man that I really wanted to have..
Don't get me wrong. I don't mind being single. I thrive on the freedom and lack of constraints. But there's always a night when, after hours spent warding away all the creeps who frequent the social scene, I crawl into bed and wish there was someone I could text to say good-night, I love you.
After a 25 minute of thinking about all the possible things we could do, have, experience together; I stood up, put my feet back on the ground and walked away...
It was a good night though.
No comments:
Post a Comment